To a New Daughter-in-law
We are so happy and feel so blessed that the Lord has brought you together with our son. We have watched with great delight as God has accomplished in your lives that miracle of love that is most sweet when it starts with the bond of spirit with spirit, and most hallowed when two spirits are drawn together by drawing closer to God.
Let me start by acknowledging to you that we know he doesn’t deserve you and is marrying way above his game. He has many strengths and many great weaknesses. He will be intensely loyal, loving and protective, a model of old-fashioned chivalry. And it is wonderful to have a knight on horseback come charging in at times, until you have to clean up after the horse and move the armor that is cluttering up the living room floor. Hopefully, he won’t accidently whack you with the back end of his unwealdy lance too often. Some of the qualities that are the most unique and special about a person are the very things that can become an annoyance at times. It is then that we have to remember that they once were endearing and strive to see them in that old light.
It is difficult for most people to fully mature if they do not take up the responsibility of caring for someone. We are glad that our late-blooming son has taken the next step toward maturity. We know that your soon-to-be husband will grow up a great deal as he takes up God’s calling to be a husband, and the Lord willing, a father someday. But there will be many childish things that will not be put away immediately. It will take great discernment and care on your part to know which things are childlike (and worth keeping) and which things are childish (and have to go!). Manhood requires feeding but not mothering, and you will grow in your ability to bring out the best in your man, just as he will grow in being a man.
You each bring to your new life as one, different backgrounds, different training, different likes and dislikes, different opinions, different tastes, different needs, even different ideas about right and wrong in some of those areas outside the non-negotiables of God’s Word. The last few months you have been finding great joy is discovering all of the areas of commonality, but soon you will begin the process of melting and forging and hammering all of your differences into a beautiful new whole. When the time comes that you are keenly aware of the heat and hammer blows, focus on that beautiful new thing. In the same way that God isn’t finished with us as individuals till we get to heaven, neither is He finished with our union until He sees fit to dissolve it in death.
Now here is the hard part– in the same way that he does not deserve you, you do not deserve him either. Love doesn’t come to us because “somewhere in our youth or childhood, we must have done something good.” (Sorry about that, Rogers and Hammerstein!) Love is a gift of God’s grace – undeserved on either person’s part. That will be very important to remember because we all get caught up in “what I’m not getting out of this relationship for me.” Your relationship is not about what you get or about what your husband gets, it’s about God getting the glory for Himself. You both know that, in your head and probably even in your hearts, but you will learn it experientially day by day. The one who is forgiven much, loves much. When we realize how much our mate has to overlook in us, we are likewise more able to be gracious with him or her.
One preacher we heard early in our marriage talked about the “barrel” concept of marriage. Two people come together, each one with a barrel full of good things for the other person. As time goes on, each one takes things out of the other person’s barrel, but neither works at putting things in. Pretty soon, the barrels are empty– the love is all gone– it must be time to call it quits. In reality, there will be days in which all you can do is take things out– you won’t have the strength to put things in. But on most days, you will find out that the more you focus on putting things in his barrel, the more resources he will have for filling up your barrel. But never despair! Even empty barrels can be filled again.
We have great confidence that you are both entering into this solemn union with realistic expectations. Both of you grew up with models of fidelity and love before you. You both are mature and serious-minded about your relationship to God. We know that you both will take your vows very seriously. Somehow, though, when we make that promise to love in sickness or in health, we never picture any greater challenge than the yearly cold and flu season. And when we promise to love in wealth or in poverty, we never picture anything more than being a little short at the end of some month. I guarantee you that the tests of your love will be much greater than you could ever imagine, but so will be the depth of the love God will give you if you let Him. The family is a microcosm of God’s universal order– taking up His cross in selflessness for the joy that is set before us.
In your sweet “thank you” note, you said that our son “has made you very happy.” We are glad for that. There will be days that he will fail to make you happy. You will say to him, as I have, “I thought you were raised batter than that.” He will admit to you as he has to me, with that sheepish, boyish grin, “I was.” But his admission will not atone for his failure. Sometimes you will need to give him a good poke, and sometimes you will need to bat your eyes and give him a big kiss. My husband calls this “cutey-pie-ness,” and most days it works. Sometimes God doesn’t want it to work because He wants us to never forget where our first loyalty lies.
You are both about the begin the adventure of a lifetime. Bless you both. Know that we will always be holding you up in our prayers with arms of love. We are confident that you will do him good and not evil all the days of your life.
Let me start by acknowledging to you that we know he doesn’t deserve you and is marrying way above his game. He has many strengths and many great weaknesses. He will be intensely loyal, loving and protective, a model of old-fashioned chivalry. And it is wonderful to have a knight on horseback come charging in at times, until you have to clean up after the horse and move the armor that is cluttering up the living room floor. Hopefully, he won’t accidently whack you with the back end of his unwealdy lance too often. Some of the qualities that are the most unique and special about a person are the very things that can become an annoyance at times. It is then that we have to remember that they once were endearing and strive to see them in that old light.
It is difficult for most people to fully mature if they do not take up the responsibility of caring for someone. We are glad that our late-blooming son has taken the next step toward maturity. We know that your soon-to-be husband will grow up a great deal as he takes up God’s calling to be a husband, and the Lord willing, a father someday. But there will be many childish things that will not be put away immediately. It will take great discernment and care on your part to know which things are childlike (and worth keeping) and which things are childish (and have to go!). Manhood requires feeding but not mothering, and you will grow in your ability to bring out the best in your man, just as he will grow in being a man.
You each bring to your new life as one, different backgrounds, different training, different likes and dislikes, different opinions, different tastes, different needs, even different ideas about right and wrong in some of those areas outside the non-negotiables of God’s Word. The last few months you have been finding great joy is discovering all of the areas of commonality, but soon you will begin the process of melting and forging and hammering all of your differences into a beautiful new whole. When the time comes that you are keenly aware of the heat and hammer blows, focus on that beautiful new thing. In the same way that God isn’t finished with us as individuals till we get to heaven, neither is He finished with our union until He sees fit to dissolve it in death.
Now here is the hard part– in the same way that he does not deserve you, you do not deserve him either. Love doesn’t come to us because “somewhere in our youth or childhood, we must have done something good.” (Sorry about that, Rogers and Hammerstein!) Love is a gift of God’s grace – undeserved on either person’s part. That will be very important to remember because we all get caught up in “what I’m not getting out of this relationship for me.” Your relationship is not about what you get or about what your husband gets, it’s about God getting the glory for Himself. You both know that, in your head and probably even in your hearts, but you will learn it experientially day by day. The one who is forgiven much, loves much. When we realize how much our mate has to overlook in us, we are likewise more able to be gracious with him or her.
One preacher we heard early in our marriage talked about the “barrel” concept of marriage. Two people come together, each one with a barrel full of good things for the other person. As time goes on, each one takes things out of the other person’s barrel, but neither works at putting things in. Pretty soon, the barrels are empty– the love is all gone– it must be time to call it quits. In reality, there will be days in which all you can do is take things out– you won’t have the strength to put things in. But on most days, you will find out that the more you focus on putting things in his barrel, the more resources he will have for filling up your barrel. But never despair! Even empty barrels can be filled again.
We have great confidence that you are both entering into this solemn union with realistic expectations. Both of you grew up with models of fidelity and love before you. You both are mature and serious-minded about your relationship to God. We know that you both will take your vows very seriously. Somehow, though, when we make that promise to love in sickness or in health, we never picture any greater challenge than the yearly cold and flu season. And when we promise to love in wealth or in poverty, we never picture anything more than being a little short at the end of some month. I guarantee you that the tests of your love will be much greater than you could ever imagine, but so will be the depth of the love God will give you if you let Him. The family is a microcosm of God’s universal order– taking up His cross in selflessness for the joy that is set before us.
In your sweet “thank you” note, you said that our son “has made you very happy.” We are glad for that. There will be days that he will fail to make you happy. You will say to him, as I have, “I thought you were raised batter than that.” He will admit to you as he has to me, with that sheepish, boyish grin, “I was.” But his admission will not atone for his failure. Sometimes you will need to give him a good poke, and sometimes you will need to bat your eyes and give him a big kiss. My husband calls this “cutey-pie-ness,” and most days it works. Sometimes God doesn’t want it to work because He wants us to never forget where our first loyalty lies.
You are both about the begin the adventure of a lifetime. Bless you both. Know that we will always be holding you up in our prayers with arms of love. We are confident that you will do him good and not evil all the days of your life.
With my love,
Mom
Mom
-~-
To My Son on the Occasion of His Wedding
Dear Son,
To paraphrase a Proverb–
You have found a wife, and it’s a good thing! Because to quote Genesis “It is not good that man should be alone.” This is more true for some men than for others, and it is more true for you. We have known for many years that you were created a social person. That is perhaps one of the reasons you weren’t a first-born. Or perhaps it is because you weren’t a first-born. Nevertheless, we are very happy for you!
Your life is about to change drastically and irrevocably. It is a change for the better, but all change is challenging. We know you are up to it because we have seen the Lord direct the timing on your relationship as well as on your marriage. We have confidence in you– so don’t blow it! (Just kidding– kind of!)
Pretty soon you will be able to finish each other’s sentences, and you will have the same ideas about things, which both of you think are original with you. You’ll be able to know in advance which dress or household item she will choose from an assortment of possibilities. She will know when it’s okay to wake you up and when it is not. But the biggest challenge for you as the head of your home will be to make decisions for two. Even though you will become one, as in One couple, the “couple” part will always remain to some extent.
As the leader of your home, you will sometimes have goals and purposes that she does not fully understand. But harder yet will be the times when she does understand and just doesn’t agree. Then you will have to be particularly sensitive to God’s direction. You will need to reflect the nature of Christ in those times. As the old gospel song says, “He never compels us to go ‘gainst our will, but He just makes us willing to go.” On some occasions God even gave the Israelites what they wanted and let them experience “leanness of soul.” You will have to rely more fully than ever on God and His Word as you decide what is best for you plural, and not just you singular. Remember, it never hurts to listen, but true love is not the same as indulgence, and a caution is not the same as a coercion.
Here are a few practical tips:
1. You are a bad eater! That is to say, you eat too much bad stuff and not enough good stuff. Encourage your wife to do right by you by encouraging her to feed you (and someday your children!) in a healthy way.
2. Eat experimental foods! She will be making lots of them at first. Try everything. Give honest opinions. Be gentle. If you are not gentle, she may quit trying. If you are not honest, you will hurt her more by breaking it to her on your fifth anniversary that you never cared for such-and-such.
3. Don’t compare her cooking (or anything else, for that matter) to your mom’s or her mom’s or grandmas’ or anyone else’s, except in a favorable way. You will want her to let you grow in your new job as husband, so give her the grace of letting her grow too. Remember, “The judgment you judge…”
4. Understand that some days you won’t be able to say or do anything right due to mysterious, though somewhat predictable, hormonal fluctuations. However, don’t chalk everything up to hormones. Sometimes you just need to listen. Your dad said he was glad that I told him what I really thought at least once a month.
5. Never complain about how hard life is when your wife is expecting a baby. You will have NO IDEA how hard it is. No man does. How can a man understand what it is like to have his most personal and intimate space (inside his body) occupied by a little foreigner? How can he know what it is like for everything in life to be for the sake of the little stranger and all personal needs are secondary? How can he know what it is like to give up all thought of personal comfort for the sake of an unseen little being who literally can be a royal pain? Just nod and give a lot of hugs– don’t say you understand!
6. Be ready immediately upon walking through the door to answer the question, “So, what did you do today?” But if things don’t look so good when you walk in, be very wary of asking her the same question. She knows that you did something productive and wants to share in your triumph. If she thinks that you think that she didn’t do anything productive, even if she did or has good reasons for not doing certain household tasks, she will be very defensive about her perceived failure. This will be especially true if the Lord gives you children. Never forget that you could undo in five minutes what it took hours for me to do!
7. Never use the word “fat” in close proximity to anything about your wife’s appearance. Don’t use any related words either, like “plump,” “hefty,” “chunky” etc. You might get away with “soft,” “hug-able,” “squeezable.” But at certain times, even those will be risky.
You have found a wife, and it’s a good thing! Because to quote Genesis “It is not good that man should be alone.” This is more true for some men than for others, and it is more true for you. We have known for many years that you were created a social person. That is perhaps one of the reasons you weren’t a first-born. Or perhaps it is because you weren’t a first-born. Nevertheless, we are very happy for you!
Your life is about to change drastically and irrevocably. It is a change for the better, but all change is challenging. We know you are up to it because we have seen the Lord direct the timing on your relationship as well as on your marriage. We have confidence in you– so don’t blow it! (Just kidding– kind of!)
Pretty soon you will be able to finish each other’s sentences, and you will have the same ideas about things, which both of you think are original with you. You’ll be able to know in advance which dress or household item she will choose from an assortment of possibilities. She will know when it’s okay to wake you up and when it is not. But the biggest challenge for you as the head of your home will be to make decisions for two. Even though you will become one, as in One couple, the “couple” part will always remain to some extent.
As the leader of your home, you will sometimes have goals and purposes that she does not fully understand. But harder yet will be the times when she does understand and just doesn’t agree. Then you will have to be particularly sensitive to God’s direction. You will need to reflect the nature of Christ in those times. As the old gospel song says, “He never compels us to go ‘gainst our will, but He just makes us willing to go.” On some occasions God even gave the Israelites what they wanted and let them experience “leanness of soul.” You will have to rely more fully than ever on God and His Word as you decide what is best for you plural, and not just you singular. Remember, it never hurts to listen, but true love is not the same as indulgence, and a caution is not the same as a coercion.
Here are a few practical tips:
1. You are a bad eater! That is to say, you eat too much bad stuff and not enough good stuff. Encourage your wife to do right by you by encouraging her to feed you (and someday your children!) in a healthy way.
2. Eat experimental foods! She will be making lots of them at first. Try everything. Give honest opinions. Be gentle. If you are not gentle, she may quit trying. If you are not honest, you will hurt her more by breaking it to her on your fifth anniversary that you never cared for such-and-such.
3. Don’t compare her cooking (or anything else, for that matter) to your mom’s or her mom’s or grandmas’ or anyone else’s, except in a favorable way. You will want her to let you grow in your new job as husband, so give her the grace of letting her grow too. Remember, “The judgment you judge…”
4. Understand that some days you won’t be able to say or do anything right due to mysterious, though somewhat predictable, hormonal fluctuations. However, don’t chalk everything up to hormones. Sometimes you just need to listen. Your dad said he was glad that I told him what I really thought at least once a month.
5. Never complain about how hard life is when your wife is expecting a baby. You will have NO IDEA how hard it is. No man does. How can a man understand what it is like to have his most personal and intimate space (inside his body) occupied by a little foreigner? How can he know what it is like for everything in life to be for the sake of the little stranger and all personal needs are secondary? How can he know what it is like to give up all thought of personal comfort for the sake of an unseen little being who literally can be a royal pain? Just nod and give a lot of hugs– don’t say you understand!
6. Be ready immediately upon walking through the door to answer the question, “So, what did you do today?” But if things don’t look so good when you walk in, be very wary of asking her the same question. She knows that you did something productive and wants to share in your triumph. If she thinks that you think that she didn’t do anything productive, even if she did or has good reasons for not doing certain household tasks, she will be very defensive about her perceived failure. This will be especially true if the Lord gives you children. Never forget that you could undo in five minutes what it took hours for me to do!
7. Never use the word “fat” in close proximity to anything about your wife’s appearance. Don’t use any related words either, like “plump,” “hefty,” “chunky” etc. You might get away with “soft,” “hug-able,” “squeezable.” But at certain times, even those will be risky.
I know you feel like Prince Valiant riding off to the castle with his lady seated in front of him, ready to take his position as king of the realm. Your new bride will feel that way too, as she dons her “princess dress” and walks down the aisle to majestic strains. But soon she may feel more like a scullery maid. It isn’t against the law for the king to pick up his own dirty clothes or rinse his own dirty dishes. It wouldn’t hurt to do better for her than you did for yourself, or for me, for that matter. As you take up your crown of headship, remember, as C. S. Lewis said, “Christ’s crown of headship was a crown of thorns.”
Even princesses can be a little prickly at times. One of them was even named Briar Rose. And circumstances can definitely be thorny. The two of you will do well to remember in those times words you both have sung often:
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on your side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to the Lord to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best and heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
—Katharina von Schlegel (b. 1697)
Even princesses can be a little prickly at times. One of them was even named Briar Rose. And circumstances can definitely be thorny. The two of you will do well to remember in those times words you both have sung often:
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on your side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to the Lord to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best and heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
—Katharina von Schlegel (b. 1697)
Follow your Lord always to that joyful end. With our love and blessings!
